Bunch of Holes In Me

yeah...
the title is kind of "creepy" to know the meaning.

as for me...
i know it's something that tells me about my condition now.

i do realized "this" since i involved in the accident 9 months ago.
an incident that  gave me something to remember of.
something to care about and
something to think about.

people do see me as a normal person
yeah! its because they saw me still in one piece.
yet they didn't know i actually have lost much than i can remember.

of course i am a normal person.
still have a perfect part as human being
but they don't know how much i have lost in me.
i can't be normal me as before...
before the accident.
i can't back to be LIKE me again.

well, as i can remember...
i have lost my self before the incident.
the accident that occurred 9 months ago was just a reminder that i am going to lost another me.

ridiculous! yet it IS the truth.
i AM losing my self slowly.
believed it or not...
i'm not Nurul Amni as my friends or my family knew.

i just hard to believe if my friends or my family knew about that
because it is something that some people could notice in their beloved one.
only IF they really CARE about them.

honestly,
i was once an observer... or now they called it a stalker.
[observer still the best to my ears..kind of polite term to use]
i do CARE about my friends and family...
but it just became serious after 19th March incident.
before that... i DID care about them but i preferred to be in silent way.
i DID noticed their changes in behavior and acts yet i remained still. 
just a sweet stalker... [smile]
yeah! that's because i do respected their privacy.

back to my self.
my "friends" don't really see me...
they may SEE me but they don't LOOK at me.
[lol]
that's normal.
i do realized that most of people i met or saw...
they DID used their eyes to see but never used it to LOOK what in front them.

they might be wonder why i became like this
and asked me why but they don't really wanted to know.
yeah! i know its kind of annoyed yet it is the true.

they asked me why but they don't wanted to know my answer.
huh! how irritating!

well, i don't give a damn about that.
if they wanted to know they will ask and request a proper answer from me.
it will be my pleasure to answer them.
only when it comes to "sometime" that i kind of not my self...
i prefer to keep it in mind.
will no bother to expel it.

honestly,
i have lost some of my abilities.
i have lost my strength... and increase my weaknesses.
i may not be good in physical activity anymore.
as i HAD lost my abilities unconsciously.

it's kind like a game...
well, if you do play a Pokemon for example...
when you raise you Pokemon to another level
it may gain an ability when it reaches another level.
however... it is opposite in my condition.
as i raise to another level,
i lost my ability due to the up-grading situation.

i felt like a hole will appear in me
and as i concern... this has happened for almost two years
and it getting worse since 9 months ago.
yeah! it somehow makes me feel...
i have bunch of holes in my body...[lol]

nonsense eh...
indeed! that's the "nonsense" i'm dealing with.

and i have no regrets in this.
as what i have had were not mine literally.
i borrowed them and the owner wants it back.
so the owner took it.
i have no objection on that.
what i had were HIS.

it is sad when you can't live your life normally as you always did.
when you woke up in the morning and you realized you can't walk properly...
you will realized somehow you have to accept that with your heart.
it is same when you wanted a shoe very badly but it didn't suit your feet
you just have to accept the fact that the shoe is not meant for you.
so that is how i tried to accept my lost ability.

i may not have a balance in standing
but i tried to balance my self.

i may not have a clear vision
but i tried to look using my senses.

i may not good in handling a situation
but i tried to be emphatic.

i may lost my strength
but i tried to use my weaknesses to cover it up.

i might be bad in sport
but i tried my best to not look bad in it.

i might be bad in contact
but i tried not to destroy my relationship.

all i have lost might be a new beginning to my new life.
a life that will be a challenge for me to live my life
and have to face with the fact that i will lose my ability unconsciously
and dealing my life with my weaknesses.

that will be good for me, isn't?
it's a sign for me... a hint that someday...
somehow, i will not get the chance to live in this circumstances.
for sure, I wanted to thank HIM for giving me this chance.
Alhamdulillah.