What Is Your Identity?

done with the event!
thank Allah everything went smoothly.
well the event DID very well,
especially the moderator... the panels also doing great.
i have to admit that the event was GREAT!

it's not i'm saying this because IT was HER program
BIG NO!
[i have mentioned this in previous entry isn't?]
still i kept my word in that.

the event was a forum,
entitled "TMK Berkembang Bahasa Dijulang"
well the moderator has brought the topic specifically into Bahasa Melayu matter
since it was held by PISMP Bahasa Melayu and certainly it became Malay Language Discussion.

since the title was including the language thingy so let's update this entry with Malay Language, shall we? [smile]

ok, berdasarkan apa yang saya faham dalam forum tadi, para ahli panel hangat mengatakan mengenai kurangnya penggunaan Bahasa Melayu dalam kehidupan seharian masyarakat Malaysia, khususnya. selain itu, malu untuk menggunakan Bahasa Kebangsaan ini dalam komunikasi juga ada disebut dalam forum tadi.

saya tak nafikan bahawa hampir semua masyarakat di Malaysia tidak menggunakan bahasa yang baku ketika berkomunikasi. namun, kita jangan lupa bahawa orang Melayu sendiri tidak lurus bahasa bakunya...[maaf sekiranya ayat saya ini agak kasar tetapi itulah hakikatnya]. jadi, bagi saya tidak adil sekiranya individu itu disalahkan kerana kurang menggunakan bahasa baku dalam komunikasi.

satu perkara yang kita perlu faham hakikatnya, jangan terkejut sekiranya saya menyatakan di sini bahawa bahasa pertama rakyat Malaysia masa kini sebenarnya adalah bahasa bangsa mereka sendiri dan tidak semestinya bahasa pertama mereka ialah Bahasa Melayu. sebagai contoh, orang-orang Cina sendiri mempunyai pelbagai bahasa seperti Hokkien, Mandarin dan sebagainya. begitu juga dengan orang Melayu, tidak semestinya mereka orang Melayu dan mereka akan bertutur dalam Bahasa Melayu baku kerana orang Melayu sendiri terbahagi kepada beberapa jenis, seperti  Melayu Melanau, Melayu Jawa, dsb.

tidak kurang juga masyarakat pribumi yang terdiri daripada pelbagai bangsa seperti Bajau, Dusun, Kadazan, Murut dan tidak lupa juga orang Asli.bahasa pertuturan mereka bukanlah bahasa Melayu kerana dalam kehidupan seharian mereka bahasa pertuturan mereka adalah bahasa bangsa mereka sendiri. Bahasa Melayu pula hanyalah Bahasa Kedua mereka [maaf untuk ayat kasar ini tapi ini juga adalah hakikat yang perlu kita terima] dan Bahasa Inggeris yang sering dikaitkan dengan Bahasa Kedua pula hanyalah Bahasa Asing untuk dipelajari.

jadi, kalau diperhatikan betul-betul perkara ini, tidak mustahil bahasa pertuturan yang selalu digunakan adalah mother tongue sesebuah kaum itu sendiri kerana dalam keperluan sosial sesama mereka, bahasa ibunda mereka tetap digunakan dengan lebih kerap dan meluas. bahasa Melayu pula hanya digunakan ketika melibatkan keadaan yang betul-betul memaksa mereka menggunakan bahasa Melayu. saya membangkitkan hal ini kerana saya yakin sesebuah masyarakat itu lebih selesa menggunakan bahasa ibunda mereka sendiri berbanding bahasa Melayu. dan penggunaan bahasa Melayu dalam pertuturan hanya digunakan oleh sesuatu kaum yang sememangnya sudah mengamalkan bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa ibunda mereka sendiri.

oleh itu, saya akui saya melihat masalah "kurangnya penggunaan Bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa pertuturan dalam kalangan masyarakat masa kini" berdasarkan perkara yang telah disebutkan di atas.

jangan dilupakan bahawa tajuk di atas juga melibatkan "TEKNOLOGI MAKLUMAT DAN KOMUNIKASI (TMK) BERKEMBANG" jadi tidak hairanlah sekiranya penggunaan Bahasa Melayu itu sendiri semakin kurang digunakan ekoran daripada timbulnya pelbagai bahasa canggih seperti bahasa SMS ataupun bahasa yang ringkas seringkas-ringkasnya dan bahasa yang canggih secanggih-canggihnya. saya sendiri tak tahu bagaimana untuk mengungkapkan perkataan itu menggunakan istilah yang sesuai kerana saya yakin generasi sekarang mempunyai bahasa mereka sendiri,

contohnya:

saya = sayer
dia = dier

dan macam-macam lagi perkataan yang boleh ditemui dalam bahasa SMS generasi muda sekarang. saya kira perkara ini sudah berlaku sejak bermulanya proses pemodenan tidak lama dahulu. betulkan saya sekiranya saya silap. kadang-kadang, saya sendiri keliru dengan pendekatan kerajaan kita terhadap bahasa Melayu sebagai Bahasa Kebangsaan. malahan bahasa Melayu telah dinaik taraf dan ditukar kepada Bahasa Malaysia. mungkin ini juga kelemahan saya sebagai rakyat Malaysia yang langsung tidak mengambil kira dan menitikberatkan kepentingan penggunaan bahasa Melayu baku itu sendiri. =)

apa pun, entri kali ini hanyalah sekadar perkongsian sahaja. tiada niat pun untuk memburukkan sesiapa... sekian.

Guilt In Me

yeah

this is another post about someone that i loved and i care about

i just...

i felt the guilt is still in me.

i might have  forgot about that

yet it kind of haunting me

when i am not thinking about it

indeed!

it drives me crazy sometimes.

as i'm remember

this is the second [Amni, is it twice already??] time i've disappointed her.

well, that's mean something, Amni.

are you doing it on purpose or you just do it?

oh! man!!

i don't know!

it's A thing that i've been avoid from

but when it happened i just don't know

it JUST happen!

crap!

i think it some of punishment for me of something or whatever i have done previously.

(=_=)"

[sigh]

erm...let's not talk about... for now, please.

tonight, she will organized a "talk" and we are compulsory to attend it.

well,

i can say that most all of my friends don't want to go to

as we have planned to have a replacement class tonight.

two hours replacement and we have postponed it to this Thursday's night.

maybe some of them are tired of being forced to attend any events in this place.

i understand their feeling.

and i admit i'm sort of feeling the same.

but,

they cannot say it either

as a big family in this place

we have to support each other.

i'm not saying this because it IS an event that my love carried out

but it's kind of supporting one another., am i right?

plus,

i know how hard and stressed she was

working out this event.

as i also involved A BIT it this pre-pogression-program thingy.

i knew the pressure and stress thing because i felt it too.

i know how it was...

and i don't blame anyone for that.

i volunteer myself to help out

and i'm not regretting it.

i don't blame my friend

for not LIKING this event.

i know how they felt.

i don't know how to say this

but i'm kind of FEEL something that we're being a black sheep in this place.

especially our course.

nah...whoever knew us

i believed they'll instantly know what course we in.

for now.

let's remain still

cause i can't take it easy as this event hasn't done yet.

well,

we'll see it tonight at 8.

let's pray that other friends will show up and support this event

or else i know how she will feel after that.

that'll be disappointing, i guess.

or it could become a happy ending if everything will go smoothly.

well, let's pray for the best. [smile]

cause i'm kind of nervous here.

waiting for this program to start in 30+ minutes or something.

acting just like this program was mine

ironically it's not.

whatever, just pray EVERYTHING IS FINE and go according to what has been planned.

amin.

anyway,

good luck dear.

i'm always proud of you.

Typical Monday!

yes!
another "typical Monday" i have to go through...

before the class started,
as unexpected plan, i went to class early than usual.
dunno why, i just wanted to.
something funny did happened when i reached our Blok Kuliah when i saw someone was hiding beside the stairs.
i wonder whose that man.
as i walked near the stairs the man will turn to another way.
i wonder but not so curious.
i just thought maybe my course-mate, Edny was waiting for someone
but i recognized his attire more like Mr. Rindu...lol.
hurm... i just ignore him. not my business by the way.
suddenly,

boo!

Mr. Rindu was there. right behind me.
what the!
he suddenly laughed but i just gave him a grin smile.
what's wrong with him?
very cheerful in the morning.
but it doesn't matter.
as long as he's happy that'll be enough for me. [smile]

while waiting for our mom to come in
we got the chance to share our stories...
especially what we had published in our blog.
mostly, it was HIS story.
i'll just listened to what he said and responded when he needed me to.
for sure,
our intro for today was really made my day.
no more silent mode or badmood in the class.
i can say that both of us really made our day together.

then class started with Mentoring, by our beloved Mom, Madam NAS.
as usual, she will ask us about our progression in study.
well, as her children we just answer ONLY good thingy and a little-plus-minus-truth-and-lie =p
[we're just extraordinary children for our mom...lol! kidding ok!]

her class was JUST like usual.
only she focused on our up coming test [UAK]
well, that's kind of creepy for me.
i just never thought that our test is just around the corner.
one week to go and there we'll face our test.
naaa...so she asked us to do a Study Preparation
just as our preparation or revision before the Final Exam.

then proceeded with Numerical Literacy with Mr. MNM at Lecture Hall.
and everything went as "usual Monday"...
went back to hostel and wasting time with books, movies, and texting.
lol...

continued to the evening session...
before went to Mosque for some occasion,
i accompanied my beloved sister, kakak Tomey to take her pola jahitan at her class but it's not there.
maybe its in Bilik Jahitan, she said.
then we tried to go there and found her pola jahitan there.
after several trials,
i managed to get her pola jahitan...
yeay!!!
thank Allah for HIS mercy and kindly make it easy for us to get the thing.
Thank you Allah... =)
i'm VERY GLAD to see her smile in her face.
i know she's very tired and kind-of-stressed-and-annoyed because of tonnes-of-works that she has to settle at the same time.
be patient dear sister, may ALLAH ease.

for sure,
i don't wanted to disturb her or in other word to get closed to her
because i'm afraid IF i went up with nonsense jokes
she might lost her mood and i don't want that.
it's scary to see her face when she's not in mood
because i have seen it before and i don't wanted to see it again...
i surrender!

you know what?
i''m very glad and happy to see my beloved little sisters in the mosque.
it has been a long time since i met them before the holidays.
i missed them so much!
ana, bashi, pija and ucu[but she's not there]

ucu was immersed with her movies, Ana said.
lol... ucu was the one... she always makes me laugh.
and i kind of sad because she's not there tonight.
but, i'm still VERY happy because i can see my three little sisters.
glad to see them actually.
i have missed them for thousand years. (T_T) huhu...

well, kind of degree-programme-thing when you became so busy with your work and responsibility
it's very tiring as they absorbed your energy and thought even it's just took 5-7 hours in lecture.
i'm started to get used to it...
drawn myself to the businesses of study.

ok! enough with lecture.
just now, i went hostel together with bashi and pija...
well, it's raining then.
we're sharing an umbrella to return to the hostel.
i love the moments.
even it just a while but it's very memorable.
i hope we can create another valuable memory together dear sisters.

back then,
as i went to my room...
kakak Tomey was waiting at her front door.
she was expecting my presence then.
i was quite nervous to see her as her mood was kind of easy-to-change [scared]
AND... i was holding her pola jahitan as well and it's actually not in good-looking
some curry was stick at the paper
and i am VERY SCARED if she gone mad when she saw her pola jahitan has some curry in it.

i know
she just hold back her feeling
and don't get mad of me...
i can tell from her smile...
that's a secretive smile..
and i don't really like that kind of smile.
that's very scary-awkward moments i had with her.
if possible i wanted to run away from her as fast-soon as i can.
but there is nothing i can do...
i wasn't doing it purposely.
huhu... really!
i felt like i wanted to cry.

at the moment when she said don't asked her any further...
i was stunned.

don't ask or else i'll gone mad, she said.

then i was hurried to return to my room.
don't want to disturb her any longer
but at the same time
i wanted to help her...
just i don't have the courage to ask her.
hurm...
i felt guilt towards her...
huhu... i'm so sorry kak Tomey.

duih!
mood spoiled!
better go off!
got no mood to continue my story.
bye now!

Bunch of Holes In Me

yeah...
the title is kind of "creepy" to know the meaning.

as for me...
i know it's something that tells me about my condition now.

i do realized "this" since i involved in the accident 9 months ago.
an incident that  gave me something to remember of.
something to care about and
something to think about.

people do see me as a normal person
yeah! its because they saw me still in one piece.
yet they didn't know i actually have lost much than i can remember.

of course i am a normal person.
still have a perfect part as human being
but they don't know how much i have lost in me.
i can't be normal me as before...
before the accident.
i can't back to be LIKE me again.

well, as i can remember...
i have lost my self before the incident.
the accident that occurred 9 months ago was just a reminder that i am going to lost another me.

ridiculous! yet it IS the truth.
i AM losing my self slowly.
believed it or not...
i'm not Nurul Amni as my friends or my family knew.

i just hard to believe if my friends or my family knew about that
because it is something that some people could notice in their beloved one.
only IF they really CARE about them.

honestly,
i was once an observer... or now they called it a stalker.
[observer still the best to my ears..kind of polite term to use]
i do CARE about my friends and family...
but it just became serious after 19th March incident.
before that... i DID care about them but i preferred to be in silent way.
i DID noticed their changes in behavior and acts yet i remained still. 
just a sweet stalker... [smile]
yeah! that's because i do respected their privacy.

back to my self.
my "friends" don't really see me...
they may SEE me but they don't LOOK at me.
[lol]
that's normal.
i do realized that most of people i met or saw...
they DID used their eyes to see but never used it to LOOK what in front them.

they might be wonder why i became like this
and asked me why but they don't really wanted to know.
yeah! i know its kind of annoyed yet it is the true.

they asked me why but they don't wanted to know my answer.
huh! how irritating!

well, i don't give a damn about that.
if they wanted to know they will ask and request a proper answer from me.
it will be my pleasure to answer them.
only when it comes to "sometime" that i kind of not my self...
i prefer to keep it in mind.
will no bother to expel it.

honestly,
i have lost some of my abilities.
i have lost my strength... and increase my weaknesses.
i may not be good in physical activity anymore.
as i HAD lost my abilities unconsciously.

it's kind like a game...
well, if you do play a Pokemon for example...
when you raise you Pokemon to another level
it may gain an ability when it reaches another level.
however... it is opposite in my condition.
as i raise to another level,
i lost my ability due to the up-grading situation.

i felt like a hole will appear in me
and as i concern... this has happened for almost two years
and it getting worse since 9 months ago.
yeah! it somehow makes me feel...
i have bunch of holes in my body...[lol]

nonsense eh...
indeed! that's the "nonsense" i'm dealing with.

and i have no regrets in this.
as what i have had were not mine literally.
i borrowed them and the owner wants it back.
so the owner took it.
i have no objection on that.
what i had were HIS.

it is sad when you can't live your life normally as you always did.
when you woke up in the morning and you realized you can't walk properly...
you will realized somehow you have to accept that with your heart.
it is same when you wanted a shoe very badly but it didn't suit your feet
you just have to accept the fact that the shoe is not meant for you.
so that is how i tried to accept my lost ability.

i may not have a balance in standing
but i tried to balance my self.

i may not have a clear vision
but i tried to look using my senses.

i may not good in handling a situation
but i tried to be emphatic.

i may lost my strength
but i tried to use my weaknesses to cover it up.

i might be bad in sport
but i tried my best to not look bad in it.

i might be bad in contact
but i tried not to destroy my relationship.

all i have lost might be a new beginning to my new life.
a life that will be a challenge for me to live my life
and have to face with the fact that i will lose my ability unconsciously
and dealing my life with my weaknesses.

that will be good for me, isn't?
it's a sign for me... a hint that someday...
somehow, i will not get the chance to live in this circumstances.
for sure, I wanted to thank HIM for giving me this chance.
Alhamdulillah.

Where Did I Go Right?

You know what, this is NOT really what I am supposed to do RIGHT now. Blogging.

Basically, I have to finish my group work that we're suppose to present tomorrow,

But there is something had "block" me from doing that.

I felt guilt for my group, but its something that I could not get myself.

I don't understand myself now. Even its just a little thing.

This afternoon, I realized "a thing" that I have forgot for a long time.

Tell me something.

If you have a friend, whose in need [easy to say, your friend is sad of something]

You wanted to sooth him/her but the only answer you get is… "Please GO!"

How would you react with that? [laugh]

Tell me when you're ready.

Done with that. Let's continue with other emotion.

Let say…

You're crush on someone and they don't know [some kind of cliché, I supposed]

But that’s the true.

Hey, maybe you wanted to hear my story …

if not, kindly please leave my blog. Thank you.

For those who want to know…

Here is my story.

As a teenager,

I do have crush[s] and the person knows that very well.

Still we just befriends as FRIEND we had.

I don't wanted to get in deep with this feeling except CRUSH.

Will go no further in this thing...

Its not a big deal if your crush doesn't answer your heart call.

Chill babe!

Its not the end of the world.

Well, some people would say it is EASY…however it IS hard to DO.

I don't have any comment on that.

For me it's something how you yourself handle it.

It doesn't matter what people say.

As long as you do the right thing and you know it...then just move on.

My story is just a simple story.

It's just a story on how you wanted to make your relationship will be remained forever.

I don't believe in a "Happy Ending Story" which obviously we seen in fairy tale.

I DO believed that someday, I could get the happiness that I want so bad.

Someday!

As to simplify the story,

I met you at nowhere I could find.

I'm glad to have you as my friend, my sibling, and my partner.

One thing you always do is...

You like to let me expected something but it turns to be unexpected condition.

You know what,

I have been waiting for you all the day.

I know how bad you are in "being sensitive to others feeling"

But that’s will not changed my feeling towards you.

I DO still love you. [smile]

One thing I adore you most is…

The way you came to me with unexpected moment.

I DO expected to see you sometime but it never work.

You always have something when I need you…

When I'm not, you came from nowhere and suddenly you're in front me.

I remember...there was a moment where you really needed me

But I'm not there for you.

You waited for me even it took hours.

You hold your feeling just to let me be the first person who knows about your feeling.

You know what… when I got your call and asked for me…

I felt like I wanted to be beside you right away

But I can't. For that moment, I really AM sorry.

For sure, I wanted to be with YOU.

I ALWAYS wanted to be with you.